For the sake of the anonymity of the people involved in this, I'm changing their names to Susan and Barbara (Susan and Barbara can't read this--one of them doesn't have a dA, and the other has been permanently blocked from my profile).

I've known Susan and Barbara since the eighth grade - they're both a year younger than I am. I was always closer to Susan than I was Barbara, just because that's how it worked out. Susan, being the person with the outstanding social skills that I truly wish I had, was really good friends with Barbara, too. No problem.

Eighth grade ended. I went to high school. They didn't. Drifting happened, and there was distance in my relationship with both of them. Natural, and I expected it to happen. Not a huge deal. I can count the number of times I saw either of them on one hand that year.

Next year, they were at the high school, too. We still didn't really see much of each other. Not really a big deal. It's not as though we had a huge fight or anything. It just happened.

I saw more of Barbara than I did of Susan. We didn't really see each other outside of school, but we were okay with each other.

Spring of my senior year and their junior year (this last spring), I started talking to and hanging out with Susan again. It was a gradual process, but it happened. We talked all the time. Susan and Barbara spent a lot of time together, so I started spending more time with Barbara, too. It was fun. It was really cool. It was the first time in my entire life that I had a group to hang out with on any kind of regular basis outside of school and school functions (emphasis on the GROUP, not the hanging out).

Susan was one of two people I really trusted at that time. When I say "really trusted," I mean they knew every little nasty thing about me. (There are several of you reading this who know I love you dearly, and trust you deeply--please don't take this the wrong way...) At that point, Barbara was fun to hang out with more than anything, but I did trust her.

Late April, Susan came out to me as bi. I couldn't say I was terribly surprised, honestly, and it didn't bother me at all. I came out to her at the same time. She wasn't terribly surprised, and it wasn't an issue. What did bother me (though I didn't really know it until later) was that she told me at that same time that she had a crush on Barbara. Like, seriously smitten to what would be the point of stupidity for many people, but she also had more self-control than most people in that area.

What Susan didn't know is that I had a crush on her. Like, seriously.

I decided that the best course of action for everyone was for me to keep my mouth shut. No problem. I wouldn't like it, but it was more about damage prevention than anything.

The three of us were planning on going to A-Kon together. That was the last weekend of May. On May 12, Susan told me that she had a plan to get Barbara's attention at the convention; she was seriously going to pursue this (or try to - at that point, Barbara was just bicurious). When she told me that (I was one of two people that she talked to about this, so I gladly listened--there really wasn't much else I could do for her in any way, form, or fashion), it felt like everything in my chest had been ripped out (cliche, I know, but I can't think of a better way of describing that feeling to you). I did my best to keep on a good face, and did my best to not let my own feelings cloud my judgment when Susan asked my opinion on things.

As it turned out, something happened the night before the convention, so plan Pocky Game was never enacted. Emotional hazard avoided, for me.

In June, my little brother came to visit. I still spent a good deal of time with Barbara and Susan. For a week in June, Susan went out-of-country with her mother. Thus, she was out-of-communication range with us. It wasn't exactly easy, but I survived--I became aware of just how codependent I can be that week. She came back, we spent a good deal of time together, Barbara was taking summer classes at the community college. In July, I went to Iowa to spend some time with my little brother and dad--MY phone had no service.

Long and short of that, when I got back to Texas, my crush was more present and unbearable than ever--she didn't reciprocate, and I knew that, and I didn't honestly expect that to ever change. I blamed it on my not being around for so long--you know the saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." Barbara's habit of taking Susan's kindness and generosity (with "lending" money she knew she'd never get back, giving rides and such any time) for granted had gotten Susan really upset with her. It wasn't that she minded doing it; she just wanted it to be acknowledged that she was doing Barbara favors, and to be appreciated in some form.

We started planning to go to the anime convention on Labor Day weekend together, along with several other people. We were going to be getting a room and splitting the cost. It was utter hell from the hour we arrived, and it only went downhill from there. (I might mention that at this time, I had just started trying to work through PTSD caused by being molested when I was twelve.) By Saturday afternoon, I was ready to go home and be left alone. Susan was doing her part to hold things together, and I was trying to do mine. Barbara started doing that thing that she'd been doing for ages and trying to be a dictator over everything; it really started pissing me off, but I knew that it was at least partially the proximity and such that was magnifying things, so I didn't say anything.

We lived through the convention by the grace of God alone. The next weekend, I had a conversation with Barbara via Yahoo! Messenger. I'd already had a hell of a day, and had spilled my guts to her about something... Then she started prying. I had told her that I liked Susan, had for a while (by this point, I'd given up on that ever changing, really). Then she KEPT prying, and I was in no mood to try to argue, so I told her that Susan liked her. I'd been sworn to secrecy on that, and I felt like a piece of trash for not keeping it a secret. However, Barbara never said anything about that to Susan, apparently.

Later in that same conversation, Barbara and I had a fight over... really, over her refusal to listen to reason, more than anything else, and my concern for her emotional well-being, because she refused to listen to reason. So I didn't really hear from her for a few weeks after that. I texted her and got no response. When I got on YIM, she disappeared. I figured that I'd let her work it out in her own time and in her own way; if she wanted to talk, I was willing to listen. The radio silence made me sad, and slightly bitter, but... well, I let it happen. I figured she needed to work through her process.

Both Barbara and I were invited to Susan's birthday in early October. I was concerned--would anything happen? Was Barbara mad at me? I didn't want to do anything that was going to cause any trouble. So Susan talked to Barbara and asked her. Barbara's response: she wasn't upset, it wasn't a big deal; she still wanted to be friends, but we weren't as close as we used to be; in the end, though, maybe that was better.

From what I view as "friends" to "acquaintances" is backwards movement. I do my best not to go backwards. It's counter-intuitive. But, that ultimately wasn't my call. My status remained the same: I'm here if Barbara wants to talk.

Two weeks ago (November 2), Barbara sent me a message on YIM that said "I want to get some things out of the way." I interpret that as meaning "I want to get some things out of the way."

Apparently, what she meant was "I just wanted to tell you that I hate you, I always have, it's your fault that Susan and I aren't as close as we used to be, I can't be myself around you but why don't you know how I work and how to deal with me anyways? you call yourself my friend but you don't know how I function or how to deal with me when I'm upset, and I'm mad at you for that even though I never let you see the real me and LEARN how I function or how to deal with me when I'm upset."

Joke's on me.

She said that she wasn't going to tell Susan, because she'd think it was a big deal, and Barbara didn't think it was even though I did--I was almost crying. End of this tale, I told her to lose my number--I had wounds now that needed to heal, and having any contact with her was going to tear them wide open again.

I told Susan about the conversation, and she understood, but she wasn't going to take a side, and I wasn't going to ask her to. But she's now quite careful to not mention Barbara's name or anything pertaining to her to me.

Oh. Forgot to mention. The day previous to this, I'd told Susan about that crush I have on her; the story about how that happened isn't important. Either way, I was completely prepared for her to tell me that she never wanted to speak to me again. As it turned out, though, she had kind of figured me out months previous, was perfectly okay with it, and said that nothing had to change.

For a few days, that held true. However, we've been talking and seeing each other less and less, and it's bothering me, because she's basically all I have--of the other three people that mean much of anything to me, one I haven't spoken to in almost a year, one is totally dedicated to school so it's hard to find any time with her, and one had just told me she hated me.

Susan and Barbara are going to another convention this weekend. I didn't even know about it, so I was just like, "Oh... Okay... So I guess we're not hanging out this weekend... and we didn't last weekend... or the weekend before that... and you've kind of been talking to me a lot less that usual... Should I give you your Christmas present now? Because I don't know if we're even going to be speaking in a month at this point."

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm wondering what I did wrong. I'm telling myself every day that it'll get better, it won't always be like this, you won't always hurt like this, this is just for now, but it always gets worse, and I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel, and every day I want so badly to hurt myself, but I know that won't accomplish anything but making things worse, but how could it possibly get any worse, then it does, and I tell myself it'll get better, it'll get better, it has to get better, it can't get any worse, and then it does...

I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, one "friend" gone, two friends unavailable, and my other friend has slowly been leading up to not talking to me. I don't have anywhere to turn. I'm running out of options, and out of hope.

Please, somebody, I need help.